An Imaginary Walkabout for Progressives

I know you hate math, and budgets, and anything to do with money. But humor me, and pretend for a moment that you’re a FINANCIAL ADVISER and I come to you with the following problem:

ME: Hi. My name is Sam and I need some financial advice.

YOU:  Hey there Sam. Tell me what seems to be the problem.

ME: People tell me I’m spending too much money. I don’t really believe them and I know that I’m spending it on good things, but I said I’d seek out some independent advice and here I am.

YOU:  What sort of business are you in, Sam?

ME: Mainly charity. I give things away to people who need it. Old people, sick people, kids. So it’s not really a business per se.

YOU:  I can see how it might not generate a lot of income. So tell me. Where does your income come from?

ME: I have a bunch of nephews. Some of them are rich. Filthy rich.

YOU:  And these nephews give you money?

ME: You got it. Well, about half of them do.

YOU:  So. Let’s talk numbers.

ME: Must we? I hate all that abstract stuff. I don’t see why you can’t just say that what I’m doing with the money is good and noble and forget about the old balance sheet for once.

YOU:  I’m sure what you’re doing is good and noble. But financial advice is all about balance sheets. Your income minus your expenses. That kind of thing. Let’s start with last year. What was your income?

ME: $23,000.

YOU:  And your expenses.

ME: $36,000.

YOU:  So you spent $13,000 more than you took in.

ME: If you say so.

YOU:  And where did you get the $13,000 to continue your charitable work?

ME: I borrowed it.

YOU:  Ah. So you’re $13,000 in debt.

ME: I have the figures in this file somewhere. Umm, let’s see. Here it is. Yep, $13,000 from last year.

YOU:  Sounds like there may have been some borrowing before last year.

ME: Oh yeah.

YOU:  How much?

ME: Here it is. $160,000.

YOU:  Wait a minute. You owe $160,000?

ME: I guess. Whatever you say. Like I mentioned before, I’m not all that cozy with numbers.

YOU:  Well, Sam. I don’t want to alarm you. But I’m not sure I understand how you can ever pay back the $13,000 you borrowed last year much less the 160 grand you already owe without a significant – and I do mean significant – increase in your revenues or cuts in your spending.

ME: That’s why I’m here, babe. You’re the expert. But let’s not talk about cutting my spending. I can’t do that. I’ve promised people a lot of nice things and I don’t intend to disappoint them.

YOU:  But –

ME: Let’s talk revenue. I keep thinking the way to go is squeeze those rich nephews of mine a little tighter. Right now they only give me about a third of what they rake in. I pushed them up to 40% last year but it didn’t produce the revenue stream I’d hoped for. In fact, let's see... it brought in $800 extra dollars.

YOU:  Hmmm. That would still leave you $12,200 short.  For last year alone.

ME: Tell me about it. But here’s the thing: those suckers couldn't have made it without my help, so how about a little payback? You’d think they’d be grateful but one of them moved to the Caymans without giving me a dime. I’m thinking I should just put a gun to their heads and take it all before the rest of them skedaddle.

YOU:  And how much would that be in dollars? If you took it all.

ME: About thirteen grand. It’s perfect. I take their dough and pay off last year’s debt. Problem solved.

YOU:  For last year’s debt, maybe. But what about next year? 

ME: What about it?

YOU:  Well, do you think they’ll be likely to work next year if you took all their money this year? I’m thinking it might be a disincentive of sorts. Being selfish, they’ll either stop working or move to the Caymans. And there’s still the matter of the $160,000 you owe. How are you going to pay that off – especially after you run out of nephews.

ME: You tell me. That’s what I’m here for.

YOU:  It can’t be done. 

ME:  Darn.

YOU:  You don’t seem too worried.

ME: I’m not. I forgot to mention one little thing.

YOU:  What’s that?

ME: I have a money printing press in my basement.


NOTE: all the figures used here are proportional to the real revenue & expense of Uncle Sam and all his "rich" contributors, minus a bunch of zeroes. Thus, our $16 trillion in debt becomes $160,000, our revenue of $2.3 trillion becomes $23,000, etc. Now look at those figures and tell me there's another way out besides the printing press.