John Galt Lite

Maybe it’s time to go rope-a-dope. Maybe this is the moment for Boehner to call a news conference on the steps of the capitol, with all House and Senate Republicans clustered behind him, to say something like:  “Fellow Americans. We are here to congratulate the President and the Democrat party and the media for their election victory. For the past four years, we’ve been warning you that our ship of state is about to hit a fiscal iceberg. To make our case, we bombarded you with numbers, because numbers are the only way to calculate the distance between us and the iceberg. What we forgot is that most democrats and most media members neither like nor understand math, so all those numbers we were throwing out might as well have been Chinese.

The numbers also failed to make an impression on the Captain we elected four years ago, which isn’t surprising when you consider that he had never steered anything bigger than a rowboat on a pond in his life. And yet, last Tuesday, after four years of meandering at half-speed towards the ice field, the children in America reelected him, because he was cool, and hip, and because he promised us more candy from the inexhaustible candy tree our forefathers planted a couple of centuries ago.       

Now, as conservatives, we face a dilemma. Unlike the rest of the electorate, we understand numbers. We know the candy tree isn’t inexhaustible. We can do the math. And the math tells us we’re heading straight towards a great big iceberg, which we’ll hit in about five years – at the latest. So – and this is the question all conservatives are wrestling with – what are we to do? 

One option is to get up there on the bridge, argue with the captain, and try to slow the ship down. To many of us, that seems like the responsible thing to do. But here on the Titanic, being responsible is considered unhip and uncool, and we know we’ll be blamed for the inevitable collision.  “Those idiot Republicans.  Our fearless Captain was steering just fine before they butted in and threw him off course.”  All those bodies floating around in the cold sea?  Our fault. Obstructionism. Same as it ever was.

So we’ve made a decision – not an easy one for those of us who love our imperfect country almost beyond imagining.  It’s this:  We’re done. We’re sick and tired of being your convenient piñata when things go into the toilet, as they tend to do when children are in control.  No, we’re not going to go John Galt on America.  We know there are no hidden valleys out there in Colorado.  But, after considerable debate, we’ve decided to follow option number two – call it Going John Galt Lite.  We grownups are just going to sit back in our deck chairs and watch the children run the ship into the ice. Yep. You heard correctly. Bring any bill you want to the Congress and we’ll all do what our Captain has done so successfully throughout his career. We’ll vote present, and allow you to raid our empty treasury to your heart’s content.

You want more candy?  Grab all the fucking candy you can eat. Higher taxes on the rich?  You got it. Nothing like a depression to sharpen the senses. Fast track for Obamacare?  Let’s accelerate that sucker so the wait time for an MRI or a hernia operation is a couple of months by 2016. Amnesty for illegal aliens?  No problemo. Let’s open the borders tomorrow and get those welfare and Medicaid rolls fattened up pronto. Sixteen years of unemployment benefits?  $50 dollar minimum wage?  Send us the bill.  We’ll just roll our eyes and vote present. After all, you’ve told us we have enough candy in America to feed the whole world.

Are you with us so far?  Maybe even salivating a bit?  Excellent.  But we’re not total idiots.  We do want something in return.  Two things, actually.  First, we want you to give us back our Second Amendment rights – you know, the “shall not be infringed” part – so we can protect our families and the little property we have left when the food riots start and the long knives are being sharpened.  And, second, we want you to give us veto power over future Supreme Court nominees on the off chance the country survives long enough to have a future.     

History tells us that there is no such thing as an unsinkable ship – not even this magnificent vessel our forefathers built and handed down to us. And hindsight tells us that if the Titanic had rammed the iceberg head on, it would have stayed afloat.  For the last four years, we’ve tried to wrestle the wheel away from our teenaged Captain and his adoring crew of nincompoops, and it hasn’t worked.  Can’t work, maybe.  So it’s time to try something new – like sitting in our deck chairs reading the Federalist papers while the band plays Amazing Grace.  And we have a megaphone.  Iceberg approaching.  Wear a warm coat. 

Will it work?  We have no idea. It depends on the other passengers. Thank you and goodbye.”